Inside & Out of My Mind

Poems by Hannah...

 

There’s a monster in my room

(written a month after discharge about how I felt about my anorexia)

 

There’s a monster in my room

You can’t see her, but I can

There’s a monster in my room

Smiling with fairy eyes and razor fangs

There’s a monster in my room

She’s never what she seems

There’s a monster in my room

She likes to poison all my dreams

There’s a monster in my room

Her face is ever changing

There’s a monster in my room

But she makes me feel amazing

There’s a monster in my room

Her arms are open wide

There’s a monster in my room

She trying to get back inside

There’s a monster in my room

She puts her claws around my heart

There’s a monster in my room

Her voice is tearing me apart

There’s a monster in my room

She makes me see her lies

There’s a monster in my room

She won’t be happy til I die

There’s a monster in my room

Her voice pierces through my heart

There’s a monster in my room

My decline she likes to chart

There’s a monster in my room

I should ignore her but I don’t

There’s a monster in my room

I should turn my back but I won’t

There’s a monster in my room

She never was my friend

There’s a monster in my room

But once bitten, it’ll never end

There’s a monster in my room

I can’t see her anymore

There’s a monster in my room

Has she finally closed the door?

There’s a monster in my room

I suddenly fill with dread,

As I realise that all along,

The monster is in my head.

 

 

 

Why can’t you see

(1 month into my admission at my new EDU, the frustration of refeeding and EDU life.)

 

Lies, deceit and full of shit,

What do they know about living with it?

They set the rules and say they care,

But really they don’t – so how is it fair?

A mole hills a mountain when covered in cream,

It’s enough to make anyone scream.

What do they know about the fear inside?

It’s only a jobs worth if I died.

They have no reason to squirm and fight,

They just see the food, they don’t see the light.

If it’s that simple we wouldn’t be here,

We would be at home, the mirror be clear.

I do not like this, it is not my choice!

They’ve taken control and squashed my voice.

To swap for a day would teach them to see,

That it’s not a way to live, not a way to be.

They don’t know the desperation, hurt and toil,

Of how I feel too heavy to walk this soil.

What is fat? What is thin?

Don’t they know I will never fit in?

I’d give anything not to feel like me,

But how do I make someone else see?

Through the looking glass filled with lies,

When one thought prevails another one dies.

A war in my head I can never win,

When the solution to life rests on being thin.

But that’s not the issue – it’s all about control,

And the black empty monster that is eating my soul.

Why me? I didn’t ask.

I don’t want to lose but I don’t want the task.

If life was so easy and food so free?

Then why are there so many others just like me?

It’s not the problem – it feels like the cure,

It’s really the symptoms of the horrors before.

Walk in my shoes, try to be me,

Then you’ll know why I want to be free.

A head full of noise, sleep full of hate,

Is it my fault? Am I too late?

No one could ever take me away,

So what have I got left, starve another day

Fill me up, hold me down,

Left alone I slowly drown.

Fighting this demon no one else can see,

Because this demon is a part of me.

 

 

 

Which way

(4 months into treatment; the confusion of gaining weight)

 

How’d I end up in this place?

So detached from the human race.

I don’t belong; it’s not for me,

But the place I do I cannot see.

Why am I not like the rest?

I try so hard but I’m never the best.

The one who helped me I have lost,

I want her back, I’ll pay the cost.

Once was free, small and light,

Now I’m fat and no longer fight.

I can feel the crawling of my skin,

With every mouthful I put in.

I want to go but need to stay,

Feeling so confused and changed every day.

Why can’t I just be ok?

Why do I have to go the other way?

Is there a solution, an end to it all?

I’d rather be happy, ill and small!

Was I happy? I do not know,

Now it seems so long ago.

My eyes deceive me, the mirrors lie,

But I can see the truth written on my thigh.

I feel the growth, I see the swell,

I wish I could escape this living hell.

I want my bones back, clean and pure,

For me is this it? Is there no cure?

An eternal mess, a single lost soul,

To disappear and be nothing is the goal.

How do I escape my newfound cage?

Inside I feel the bubbling of rage.

Do I escape from here or from me?

What is the right answer? WHO SHOULD I BE?