Inside & Out of My Mind

Melissa’s Story...

 

I felt alone and scared, honestly didn’t think anyone could understand. I believed I was completely on my own. I was always happy and had no fear as a child, but then one day all of an sudden I changed when I moved secondary schools, at this time I didn’t like my weight either and believed if I lost some I would be pretty and more people would like me, but now I understand that true beauty comes from within.

 

In an science lesson at my new school I believed I had got an chemical in my mouth, little did I know this was the start of obsessive compulsive disorder and anorexia voices taking over me.

 

I went home from school that day and felt all alone, as if this really was the end of my life. All I could do was cry and cry to my mum telling her I was going to die, I wasn’t though but I just couldn’t help myself I felt trapped, alone, afraid, out of control and so weak. When I went to school the next day I asked my science teacher if I had got it in my mouth from not washing my hands before wiping my mouth would it have hurt me, and he said no as was only salt water, but still I didn’t believe him. It was as if over night I had completely changed from a girl not scared of anything to a panicked, fearful girl, unable to trust anyone. 

 

This is where it all begun when I was 12 years old and frightened of the world bit by bit I got away with avoiding things such as not going to the science lab where it happened and went to the other one instead, then not going into any science labs and just using the science books in another building, to then not even allowing myself to touch an science book. Things got out of my control so quickly and I felt so silly and weird being this way but couldn’t stop myself just trapped inside my horrid thoughts. 

 

I then got obsessed with plants and saw a toxic plant and thought it had got in my hair so again I believed I was going to die, I put my clothes in the bin when I got home and had an hot shower to get all of the germs of my hair and body. Looking back know I do understand how irrational this is and wish if avoidance wasn’t allowed to happen in the first place things may have not spiralled out of control. 

 

Then I became obsessed with how clean food was and the chemicals in them and this was the start of having anorexic thoughts alongside the obsessive compulsive disorder it’s as if they were hand in hand, destroying my happiness, and leaving me hopeless. 

 

I did go to hospital and this never helped being surrounded with other people and their individual problems helped us to trigger of each other, as the place wasn’t sensitive in ensuring every ones problems was kept confidential, as the young people in the hospital was allowed to share their problems and how they felt with other people receiving treatment. Going in the hospital didn’t help me a lot either as I really enjoyed it in there as I didn’t have to be with my brothers, and dad, as my brothers suffer with autism and ADHD, and my dad bipolar disorder. My mum also never liked it when I was out with friends as liked to know I was safe all of the time, but at this hospital young people who stayed their became my friends and when it came to leaving I didn’t want to go. The hospital also never helped the thoughts or my thinking it was a case of eating food to gain weight then being allowed to come home again and then the cycle all happened all over again. 

I had at least five stays in this hospital until when it was coming to the sixth time I had to go in hospital again they said I couldn’t go there so the NHS funded for me to go to an specialist eating disorder unit which really helped me and I just wish this could have happened the first ever time I became ill. 

 

By the point in which I was admitted to the eating disorder specialist unit I needed a lot of help as by this time the anorexia had got out of my control and the OCD had settled down. All I could hear was horrid thoughts; such as worthless, failure, guilt, afraid, trapped, on my own, selfish and so many more horrid thoughts. I wanted help but was scared of letting anyone in, I had made my own bubble and didn’t want no one to come in, all I cared about was perfection, being the best and how the hunger made me feel weak as I felt weak inside from what life had thrown at me. 

 

Life hadn’t being easy for me having two violent brothers, social services trying to help and other various specialists with my family’s mental health issues. My nana also died when I was a young age and this really affected me as I use to spend a lot of time with her, which helped me to get away from all the emotions and frustration within my household from my closest relatives conditions. 

When the anorexia really spiralled out of control was when my mum was diagnosed with having a brain tumour and my dad also became ill and was hospitalized. At the age of 16 I was running a home, looking after my brothers and trying to keep strong even though I was tearing apart inside. I didn’t want to let anyone in, believed I could do this. I want to be the one who holds it all together like my mum always did, but everything just became so much the stress of it all was helping the anorexia and leaving me weak. In the end after about two months social services had to place my brothers in care and wouldn’t help me because they said at 16 I wasn’t eligible for their help. Thankfully though my mum’s best friend agreed to look after me though, so I wasn’t alone and rapidly become weak, angry, fearful, and betrayed. My mum’s friend really tried to help me but didn’t understand what I was going through and couldn’t help me like my mum always did, so shortly after staying with her, was when I was admitted to an specialist eating disorder unit. 

 

I still remember travelling there feeling like I had failed in some way, 100 miles away from home when my mum was critically ill, brothers in care and dad in hospital too. I felt alone, regrets, and wanted to have being able to have an invisibility cloak so I could hide when things became tough, but still to be there for my family. 

 

Working through my emotions was far from easy, I had so many of them blocked up inside, scared to open them up and for them to flood up what if they never stopped, afraid to cry in case I couldn’t stop, couldn’t get angry in case I became out of control. It was painful and scary, and so challenging, but know I can look back and say I got there. I won the voices. 

 

The time in these units gave me time to reflect, have my own unique plan and to not be able to talk to the other people in their about their past. I felt scared though as it was an adult unit meaning I was the youngest in there, but this also helped as I wasn’t with people of my own age, and gave me even more determination to fight the anorexia and OCD. 

 

I worked through how I felt with an therapist and consultants, was able to attend the college their when I was stronger in myself and was coming towards the end of my treatment, which really helped as gave me more power to fight, so I could be at home and attending my local college. 

 

I was also allowed to come to the care home where my mum was extremely unwell every Sunday and spend 2 hours with her, and when things looked as if it could be getting worse for my mum was able to visit her twice a week which allowed me to still be there for my mum, and not feeling as guilty for having to leave her. It was extremely painful though having to say goodbye to my mum and not knowing if she would die before I next got to see her. 

 

All of this made me find the inner strength to be well and beat the anorexia has I had my life and wanted my mum to be so proud of me with the challenges I could overcome. The ambitions I could reach to, the inspirational person I could be one day to help someone else and offer them my patience and listen to them to try and help them too. 

 

Eventually, I say this as it seemed like it was a lifetime I was in the unit. I was discharged, and my dad was also at home as well and had come out of hospital. I started to see community nurses and they also helped me to but a positive with every negative thought I had and also believe there is no bad food, food is just food which we eat to stay alive and is tasty too. 

 

I was also then able to see my mum a lot more every day me and my dad went to see her at the care home remembering to take her favourite foods; chocolate, and cream cakes. My brothers were still in care but they were allowed to come home for weekends and everything was taken slowly, so pressure wasn’t added to each person in the family. 

 

I remember one day though going to see my mum and saying to my dad has mum got a cold and she’s not eating much and quite bugged up, but the nurses believed her final day left alive was coming very soon. I still remember driving down to see mum thinking it was no different to any other day but as soon as I got in the care home, I could hear noises which was coming from my mum’s room and the nurses warned us my mum wasn’t doing very well today. I didn’t like the noises and kept leaving the room either to make a drink, go to the toilet, or for a walk. I remember being stood there near my mum whilst dad was holding her hand and then she made a horrid noise her last breath, I ran for the nurses and they came, by this time the noises had stopped and she was just laid there, the nurses said she was asleep as my brothers still wasn’t at the care home but I know she had died. I felt angry, afraid, and annoyed. It was only the weekend before that it was Mothers day and me, dad, mum and brothers had a private room to be alone as a family. I believe my mum was fighting until we were all well and together as a family again. Writing this know I still feel the lump in my throat and the tears streaming slowly down my checks. 

 

This was when my struggle of eating started as I was so low and grieving. Most of the professionals thought I would get ill again but I proved them all wrong, my mum had died but I was going to make her the proudest mum even if she wasn’t alive by staying strong becoming well and achieving all I want to achieve in my life. 

 

So far I have stopped the anorexic voices from taking over me and eat what I want, sometimes it an struggle but I believe in myself and believe I have the strength to block out unwanted feelings and challenge my thoughts. I have also passed my level 3 cache and working in a nursery as a nursery nurse very soon. Have passed my theory and have a test booked for 13th September this year. I believe in everyone, have faith and shine as everyone as a talent and perfection isn’t everything. 

 

I still struggle with OCD but am fighting It as I never give in there may be days I want to scream or cry but I allow my feelings to come out so they don’t explode inside of me. My story isn’t of the media being to blame as I never read celebrity magazines, it wasn’t to be selfish or noticed it was because of all of the struggles I had being through in my life and not letting my emotions out, which I understand know.

 

Everyone is unique though and what works for me may not for you, but never give in you can fight, it’s painful but worth it to be yourself once again without the fears within. You’re Beautiful, and talented and I believe in you, reach out for help the first steps may be hard but trust me when I say IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END.